Roller skating was a popular pastime in the 70s. The image? Short shorts, tube socks, and a carefree smile across the face of a skinny blonde chick. You know, something like this:
When I was growing up, roller skating was replaced with roller blading because, let’s face it, blading is way more hard core. That looked something like this:
In more recent years roller skating has made something of a comeback, bringing with it the action and destruction of the roller derby:
And apparently, in the not-so-distant future, these things come together in the deadly sport known as Rollerball. It’s a sport of heroes, of villains, of winners, of losers. It’s a sport of beauty.
Who the hell am I kidding, this “sport” is ridiculous. And the movie? It’s difficult to find words… Well, maybe not THAT difficult.
The film, released in 2002, is a remake of a James Caan goodie from 1975. Now, I have never seen the original Rollerball. But judging from the trailer, I don’t really think I’m missing much:
From what I can tell, the newer Rollerball seems to be a pretty straight remake of the original: corporate society controls the world; a single sport (rollerball — because, somehow, in the future we’ve all given up on decent sports) unites the nations. It’s not just the only sport in existence; it’s also the only form of entertainment. And anyone who’s ever seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome knows that the future masses really only want to see injury and death. So Alexis Petrovich (Jean Reno) decides to create a little extra destruction to improve the sport’s ratings. Long story short, rollerball wonder-boy Jonathan Cross (Chris Klein, who at the time was probably best known for his role in American Pie, and although he was never a very good actor he wasn’t exactly painful to watch just because he had kind of an endearing smile, which has long-since faded into a poorly aging face and receding hairline) discovers Petrovich is rigging the game, and together with his teammates Marcus Ridley (LL Cool J, who for whatever reason was really popular in shitty movies ten years ago) and Aurora (Rebecca Romijn, when she was still Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, and you liked her just because she was married to John Stamos, who you liked because he played Uncle Jesse on Full House and, quite frankly, who didn’t watch that show in the early 90s) decides to take Petrovich down and bring the world of rollerball (and, by association, corporate society) to its knees. It’s such a metaphor.
But if you’re going to remake a mediocre movie (and by all accounts the original Rollerball is… 6.5 stars on IMDb) then for God’s sake give it something new and exciting. What did we get in 2002? Rollerblades? Seriously? Who decided roller derby on steroids was the wave of the future? Can we find that guy and beat him?
While we’re at it, can we find the casting director and beat him? Individually, Klein, Cool J (is that what we would consider to be his last name, by the way? And LL his first? Or would his last name simply be J and Cool would be an extension of his first name? How exactly is one supposed to address a rap “star”?), and Romijn are all tolerable. For the most part, at least. But to combine Klein’s overly dramatic facial expressions (witness below):
I'm really angry, guys. Can't you tell? Or is my guy-liner detracting from my angry face?
with Cool J’s token one-liners and Romijn’s dreadful attempt at an Eastern European accent (it’s difficult to tell exactly what she was going for) is a recipe for disaster. And not in a good, this is so bad it’s kind of funny sort of way.
But the biggest problem with 2002’s Rollerball is that it’s kind of all over the place. Is it about the downfall of human society? The rise of corporations as political powers? One man’s ability to overcome obstacles? Is it a love story? I really have no idea. It certainly tries to be all of these things. But so little effort is put into any single story line that they all kind of wind up being uninteresting. I think I walked away from the film at least five times, and as soon as I came back I was able to pick up on exactly what was happening. Either that or I was as equally confused at the end of the movie as I was at the beginning.
But whatever the case may be, one thing I think is pretty certain. Rollerball? Definitely NOT the wave of the future. Actually, I’m thinking cricket might be making a comeback. You want to talk about a violent sport…
If you’re in the market for more shitty rollerskating movies, may I suggest Prayer for the Rollerboys(1990) with Corey Haim? I used to run in the same circles as the kid who played the little brother and was forced to watch it out of sympathy(that, and I had a total crush on him at the time…)