stale popcorn

I remember when, in 2005, the WB (which is now the CW) premiered a new show called Supernatural.  I remember it also premiering the show over the internet, commercial-free, at an earlier time than the actual network premiere.  And I remember actually kind of enjoying Supernatural from the comfort of my laptop, but feeling it was odd being of college-age and admitting to liking something on the WB, so I remember not watching the show past its first season premiere.

I bring up this stroll down tween programming memory lane because not only have I reached a point where I can admit to being a fan of some pretty ridiculous television content, but also because last year sometime as I was scanning through my DirecTV’s program guide I realized Supernatural was still on the air, and that TNT (have I mentioned how much I love that station?) has picked up the rights to the first season, so I now have the ability to catch up on five years worth of missed cheesy TV opportunity.

Why all this stuff about Supernatural, you may ask.  Well, there are two reasons, actually.  The first is that the show is actually pretty damn good.  And I’m not just saying that because I have a special place in my heart for fiction geared towards young adults; Supernatural’s rating on IMDb is 8.7 out of 10 stars, which is no small feat.  And I think a show that manages to combine a number of genres seamlessly deserves a special shout-out.  The other reason I bring it up is because it’s made me realize that although an actor can be talented (and the two leads, Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, certainly are), sometimes the film he stars in can make him look a little like a high school drama student.  Or maybe a lot.

May I present to you 2005’s Devour:

Can I just say that the trailer does not do this film justice?

Ackles plays Jake Gray, who, at the on-set is in the midst of celebrating his 21st birthday.  He’s been having visions of blood and death for a while now — “waking nightmares” he calls them, because they’re “too disturbing to call day dreams.”  Really.  And although he seems to be on a path towards success in life, his two best friends, Conrad and Dakota (Teach Grant and Dominique Swain — has anyone else seen Girl?  I feel like I’m the only one) can really only be described as… hm… total douche bags.  Conrad introduces Jake and Dakota to this secret website called The Pathway, which supposedly sends its members out on crazy missions, but never divulges the purpose behind them.  Lo and behold!, The Pathway is actually (SPOILER!) the link between Satan and the possessed (but can you really call it a spoiler if it’s revealed in the trailer?), and was created in order to track down Jake, who happens to be the son of Satan.  Oh yeah, and Satan is actually a woman (the human counter-part of which is played by Shannyn Sossamon — come on, Shannyn, the bad roles will soon start to outweigh the good ones), who spends the first hour and fifteen minutes of the 90 minute total trying to seduce Jake.  Because that’s what Satan’s all about.  Incest and the Oedipus complex.

I’d like to express how bored I am with watching films where the protagonist, forced to choose between a life of wealth and prestige through an alliance with Satan or one where he must spend his life poor/unhappy/in prison for the murders of his adopted parents and girlfriend:

always goes with the latter option.  It’s annoying.  And predictable.  In fact, it’s predictability that seems to be Devour’s greatest downfall.  Although the writers make a somewhat feeble attempt at making it appear as though Jake initially considers giving in to the dark side, he inevitably chooses humanity over self-preservation.  And it’s pretty clear from the get-go that Sossamon’s character, Marisol, has ulterior motives.  Anyone who says things like, “There’s a higher power looking out for you” is hoping you’ll make a deal with the Devil.  Or something along those lines.

Aside from its inability to keep the audience interested in its outcome, Devour also manages to fail at developing any of its plot lines significantly enough to care about what’s going on in the first place.  I mentioned the writers’ attempt at character development earlier… for a while it seems like Jake actually enjoys The Pathway’s benefits: he relishes in the “website’s” ability to get even with his boss for his wrongful termination (by the way, I don’t know what state this thing take place in, but I’m pretty sure the fact that one’s nephew needs a job doesn’t count as a legitimate reason to fire someone), and what guy wouldn’t enjoy getting laid by a hot girl (even if it’s because a website told her to)?  But nothing is ever explored beyond the superficial.  Jake’s emotional state is never fully developed, so by the time the film ends, no one really cares whether or not he chooses good over evil.  What the hell is he going to do with his life anyways?

And the whole Pathway storyline is incredibly weak.  The trailer makes it appear as though it’s the basis for the entire film, kind of like Feardotcom (I won’t even go into how shitty that movie was), when, in reality, it takes up about twenty minutes of screen time.  Although Jake tries to blame his friends’ deaths on the website, it’s difficult to buy into because the audience hasn’t seen anyone interact with it on any sort of deeper level yet.  Which is not to say that a demon website is believable in the first place, but I’m open to suspension of disbelief.  If there’s some effort put into it, that is.

Look, I’m not against demon films in particular (I think the fact that I love Constantine pretty much proves that point).  I’m against writers who don’t care enough to flesh out characters or story lines.  I’m against studios who think that it’s okay to make shitty movies so long as decent actors agree to be in them.  And I’m against actors who insist on putting their genuine talent to the test by taking on these crappy roles.  You hear me, Padalecki?  Because I’m coming after you next… Don’t think I haven’t seen your filmography — the remake of House of Wax?  Good Lord.